The Sounds of Hanging On.
Nearly 40, the basic halfway point in life, I can’t help but think about what the future holds and how I spent the first half of my time on Earth. I chunk it down.
The first 10 were not really up to me – ya’ know parents have quite a bit of say in those years.
The next 10, years 10 to 20, covers quite a bit of ground, from pre-teen to adolescence to the middle of college. The formidable years. These years are important but not as important as people often make them out to be. After all, the first big break up in high school shouldn’t ruin your love life, the football catch you didn’t make shouldn’t inhibit your beliefs about yourself, and your lack of popularity shouldn’t stop you from feeling confident – however those things do often happen. The inverse is also true. If you didn’t find love, you can; if you made the catch, you can get down off the pedestal now; if you were popular, you still can be if you are kind. We often let memories, especially memories of firsts, dictate how we feel about who we are in life, but those few years should just be part of who we are and where we are going in life. The first time through anything will offer a great number of feelings, feelings that will trigger our memories, good or bad.
Years 20 to 30, those are all yours. If you fail, get stuck, flounder, become lost, rise to the top, excel, get lucky, or work diligently, the choices, more than likely, for the first time in your life, are all your own. This too is where YOU set your path, as you finish college, find a career, maybe even settle down with another person, possibly start a family; the direction of your life is being marked down on a map, the route chosen. For me, I settled right in. I found a position as a teacher, married my college sweetheart, bought a house, had two kids, and got a dog.
Life was good rounding the corner of 30. The next 10 years started off in much the same way as the previous decade ended. I bought a bigger house, had another kid, and took on more responsibilities at work, even though upward mobility wasn’t possible. I took leadership roles, coached sports, chaired clubs, and became certified to teach Advanced Placement English courses. We made friends through our children and neighbors, became involved in the local school, and went on family vacations to Florida. And then the wheels started to come off the fun bus.
By 36, the kids became more independent. My career was still my career but principal positions evaporated during 1st and 2nd interviews, coaching blossomed into a disenchanted varsity job, and teaching was the same ol’ same ol’. After the kids were in bed, I sat on the couch at night watching the latest tv show, Netflix series, sports contest, or blockbuster movie, I started to wonder; Is this all my life has to offer? Is this going to be the next 15-20 years? Have I accomplished all I want to accomplish in life? Is this it?
At school I preached, “Learn something new every day. Take something away from today.” But was I taking my own advice? I was not. In my 20s, I knew I wanted a family, a stable life, where I could enjoy being with the kids and wife every day. My journey started with that vision in mind. And when you are 20, every step is a new, exciting challenge but now that I have the family, I always wanted, was there room for something else, something a little more personally selfish. I had been pretty good at being the sacrificer but putting myself first wasn’t going to be so easy.
With a little reflection, I decided that I wanted a body that I could be confident showing off at the beach; I wanted to read at least two books a month; I wanted to be a published writer again; I wanted to backpack for days on end; I wanted to continue to be a family man. With these ideas in mind, I charged into the second half of my 30’s with a new outlook and new energy for life.
First, I decided my “dad-bod” with the 35lbs of extra weight would be the first to go; I had to exercise. I decided that my love of reading took a back seat to my love of movies, which needed to change. I decided that I always loved to write, but the only writing I had been doing was on student papers, so I now had to carve out time. I decided that being outdoors brought me inner peace and mowing the lawn wasn’t going to cut it.
For the last three years, I have set aside time and adjusted my routines in order to live a more fulfilling life. It hasn’t been easy. I have had to choose between working out and reading. Between playing with the kids and writing – kids always win. I have had to take my hikes when I could and settle for working in the garden at times. What has always kept me going is making small goals for my big goals. Daily progress.
I went from jogging on the treadmill to training for a men’s physique competition. I went from writing in a journal to writing for my own webpage to working on a novel. I went from reading 12 books a year, maybe, to reading 52. I went from dreaming about backpacking to hiking a 100-mile trail. And all along the way, I have shared my interests with my family, including them on my journey. I have discovered that each of them shares some of my interests. My son loves to hike and read, my oldest daughter loves to read and cook healthy meals, my youngest loves to read and work out- the kid is 7 and does pull-ups! And my wife loves to exercise, cheer people on as a health and fitness coach, read, and write her own story. I didn’t have to live my life for my family but simply include them in it.
Now at 39, as I finish The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson, the last line of “Sounds … drifting across the city through layers of humid air; sounds of life and movement, people getting ready and people giving up, the sound of hope and the sound of hanging on” means something more to me than 3 years ago. Today, I am not giving up or hanging on but full of life and movement and hope.
- Goodreads rating – 3.84
- REVIEW – Zach Fricke